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The best jokes and joke writers!

Construction Sign

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

Light Bulb - Scientist

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Only One Sale

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted  boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

  • Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
  • You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  • You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
  • You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
  • Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
  • Your income tax refund check bounces.
  • The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
  • You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
  • You put both contacts into the same eye.
  • Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
  • Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
  • You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
  • Nothing you own is actually paid for.
  • Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
  • The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
  • You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
  • The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
  • People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
  • When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
  • You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
  • You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.
  • It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Phonetic Confusion

"Information? I need the number of the Causeway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor..."