Profession Jokes - Others
Husbands as Lovers
Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers. The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes." The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Dat Ain't Bubba
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Looking For A Dentist
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them. "The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"