We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Little Johnny's Gift

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

The Photographer and the Pilot

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.  When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.  He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.  He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.  The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Officer Fenwick

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said the officer. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Old Woman Visits Doctor

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Simple Answer

In one Intensive Care Unit patients always died in the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had their camera phones set to video the event. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened , then housekeeping came in, disconnected the power cord from life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.