Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Show Me The Money!

1. A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
2. A fool and his money are soon elected.
3. A fool and his money are soon popular.
4. A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
5. If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
6. All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
7. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
8. Even the blind can see money.
9. Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
10. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
11. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
12. Money burns a hole in my pocket... how about yours?
13. Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
14. Money is the root of all bills.
15. Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
16. Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
17. Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
18. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
19. This country has the best politicians money can buy.
20. Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
21. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
22. Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
23. When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
24. You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
25. Alimony? ... sounds kind like all your money
26. No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
27. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

Texan, Russian, New Yorker Out to Eat

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. "Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter. The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"