Texan Buys Spread

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel. "Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid, "Ah'm looking to buy me a ranch - stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Signs and Notices 17

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
• An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
• Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
• On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
• A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
• Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

Wisconsin Defined and Laws

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die or Come Cut Our Cheese
Wisconsin: Land of funny accents.
Dumb Wisconsin Laws: 

• You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
• Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
• Citizens may not murder their enemies.
• Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
• At one time, margarine was illegal.
• State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
• While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
• Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
• Kenosha - No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.
• La Crosse - It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip).
• It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.
• It is illegal to play checkers in public.
• You cannot "worry a squirrel."
• Milwaukee - An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.
• It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.
• If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
• It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.
• Racine - It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
• Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.
• St. Croix - Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.