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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Chicago Man in Hell

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Chicago in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies, "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

Texas Style

A Texas father announces to the bar that his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender is concerned: "What the hell happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Philly Cops

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

Potato Hooker

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

Texas Relief

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughta help?" "Yep, reckon so," says the second. The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head, "no." "Can you speak?" he then asks. She shakes her head, "no", again. With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt. She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief. The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"