U.S. State Jokes
Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
You're in New York City
You Know You're in New York City When:
- Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
- You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
- A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
- The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
- The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
- You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
- The gas station attendants actually speak English.
- The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
- A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
- The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."
Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?
A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."
Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughta help?" "Yep, reckon so," says the second. The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head, "no." "Can you speak?" he then asks. She shakes her head, "no", again. With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt. She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief. The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
New Yorkers Arrived
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell." St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."