A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as he approaches the ground, he realizes his options are limited. He takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down.
The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
TWA Flight Attendants
Q: How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
A: With a fishing pole!
Show Your Passport
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' The customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to.'
Navigator and Pilot
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Ten engineering professors board a plane. Once they're inside and the plane is a about to take off, the flight attendant comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been built by the students of those teachers. Immediately nine of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sitting, calmly reading a book.
One of the students who was on the plane to gather performance data approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.
To which he replied, "If my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident it will never take off."