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The best jokes and joke writers!

Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

I Want That Car

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish I could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "I wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars."

Souped Up Lincoln

A rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, "What aret hose thangs?"

The driver says, "Those are golf tees."

The redneck asks, "What those are for?"

The driver says "Those hold  my balls when I drive."

The redneck says, "Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!"

Penguin Car Trouble

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping. He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some ice-cream."

Bumper Stickers Seen

Bumper Stickers Seen

  • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
  • I have the body of a god... Buddha.
  • This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
  • Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
  • The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
  • Illiterate? Write for help.
  • Honk if anything falls off.
  • He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
  • This isn't my idea of a good time.
  • It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  • Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
  • This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
  • I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
  • Oh, evolve!
  • Gone crazy be back shortly.
  • If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.