You're in Big Trouble
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
I Want That Car
Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish I could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "I wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars."
Souped Up Lincoln
A rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.
The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, "What aret hose thangs?"
The driver says, "Those are golf tees."
The redneck asks, "What those are for?"
The driver says "Those hold my balls when I drive."
The redneck says, "Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!"
Penguin Car Trouble
Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping. He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some ice-cream."
Bumper Stickers Seen
Bumper Stickers Seen
- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha.
- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
- Illiterate? Write for help.
- Honk if anything falls off.
- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
- This isn't my idea of a good time.
- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
- Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
- This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
- I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
- Oh, evolve!
- Gone crazy be back shortly.
- If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.