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The best jokes and joke writers!

What Men Say & What They Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means... ."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....   "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...   "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

 

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

 

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

 

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

 

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

 

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

 

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"

 

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

 

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

 

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

 

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

 

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

 

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

 

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

 

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

  • I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
  • I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
  • I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
  • I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
  • I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
  • And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
  • I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
  • My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
  • And I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
  • Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
  • I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
  • I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
  • I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
  • I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
  • It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
  • When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
  • And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
  • I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
  • Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
  • I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
  • And I honestly think its a privilege for me
  • To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
  • I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
  • I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
  • I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
  • Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
  • Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
  • Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
  • Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
  • You can forget all about that old penis envy
  • I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
  • Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
  • I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
  • I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Great to be a Woman

Reasons why it's great to be a woman:

  1. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. 
  2. Speeding ticket? What's that?
  3. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  4. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
  5. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  6. You can sleep your way to the top.
  7. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  8. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  9. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  10. Brad Pitt.
  11. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  12. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  13. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  14. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  15. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  16. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
  17. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  18. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  19. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
  20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  21. You've never had a goatee.
  22. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
  23. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  24. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  25. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Computer Experts

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find out whether a computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

  1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

  1. No one, but, the creator understands their logic.
  2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.