I'm Glad I'm A Woman
- I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
- I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
- I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
- I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
- I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
- And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
- I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
- My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
- And I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
- Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
- I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
- I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
- I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
- I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
- It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
- When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
- And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
- I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
- Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
- I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
- And I honestly think its a privilege for me
- To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
- I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
- I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
- I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
- Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
- Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
- Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
- Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
- You can forget all about that old penis envy
- I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
- Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
- I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
- I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Great to be a Woman
Reasons why it's great to be a woman:
- Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies.
- Speeding ticket? What's that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
- If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
- It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
- No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
- Brad Pitt.
- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
- If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
- You have the ability to dress yourself.
- If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
- You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
- You can quickly end any fight by crying.
- Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- You've never had a goatee.
- You'll never regret piercing your ears.
- You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
- You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find out whether a computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
- In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:
- No one, but, the creator understands their logic.
- The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Guy Has 3 Questions in Heaven
This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: "Why are girls so pretty?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls soft?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls so dumb?" God: "So they'll like you."
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.