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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

  • I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
  • I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
  • I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
  • I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
  • I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
  • And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
  • I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
  • My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
  • And I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
  • Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
  • I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
  • I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
  • I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
  • I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
  • It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
  • When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
  • And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
  • I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
  • Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
  • I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
  • And I honestly think its a privilege for me
  • To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
  • I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
  • I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
  • I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
  • Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
  • Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
  • Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
  • Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
  • You can forget all about that old penis envy
  • I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
  • Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
  • I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
  • I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Great to be a Woman

Reasons why it's great to be a woman:

  1. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. 
  2. Speeding ticket? What's that?
  3. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  4. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
  5. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  6. You can sleep your way to the top.
  7. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  8. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  9. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  10. Brad Pitt.
  11. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  12. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  13. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  14. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  15. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  16. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
  17. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  18. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  19. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
  20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  21. You've never had a goatee.
  22. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
  23. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  24. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  25. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Computer Experts

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find out whether a computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

  1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

  1. No one, but, the creator understands their logic.
  2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Guy Has 3 Questions in Heaven

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: "Why are girls so pretty?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls soft?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls so dumb?" God: "So they'll like you."

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.