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The best jokes and joke writers!

Why Fake Orgasm

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?

A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

The Office Playboy

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

ATM Procedures

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Open the car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Close window

7. Drive away

 

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Open the car window

5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card

6. Turn radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into ATM

8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"

13. Enter PIN

14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN

15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror

16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"

17. Retrieve cash and receipt

18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside

19. Place receipt in back of cheque book

20. Re-check make-up

21. Drive forward two metres

22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

23. Retrieve card

24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot

25. Drive two or three kilometres

26. Release hand brake

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

  1. The woman goes to the store.
  2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
  3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
  4. The man places the meat on the grill.
  5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
  6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
  8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
  9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Perspective

Would the meaning of this phrase change if you were a man or woman?

"I finished an entire box of tissues watching that film last night"