Sexist Jokes - Men vs Women Jokes

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: "Why are girls so pretty?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls soft?" God: "So you'll like them." Guy: "Why are girls so dumb?" God: "So they'll like you."

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?

A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Open the car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Close window

7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Open the car window

5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card

6. Turn radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into ATM

8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"

13. Enter PIN

14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN

15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror

16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"

17. Retrieve cash and receipt

18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside

19. Place receipt in back of cheque book

20. Re-check make-up

21. Drive forward two metres

22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

23. Retrieve card

24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot

25. Drive two or three kilometres

26. Release hand brake