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Sexist Jokes - Private Parts
Manners
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?". "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that". "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?". "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied!
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Naive Young Girl to Doctor
A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions." He says, "All right." She says, "All right... what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?" The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis." She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?" The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans." She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?" The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."
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Calling In Sick: A Cat Owner's Story
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to working the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself! I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys. I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
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