The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have".  Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.  Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.  Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"  Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.  Advantages: Pays attention to you.  Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite".  Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.  Advantages: Predictable.   Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don't give me that look."  Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.  Advantages: Often right.  Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career? goals?"  Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.   Advantages: Easily soothed.  Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "Lez get drunk an' make love on a front lawn. Also known as: Fast girl, free wheeler, good time charleena, passed out.  Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.  Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at".  Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.  Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.    Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you". Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.  Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.  Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are".  Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.  Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.  Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Two doctors in Hawaii

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii. As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, "Look at the legs among that group." "Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "But I'm a chest man myself."

Big Air

The boys made a bet to see who could fart the hardest. To settle the bet, they filled a pan filled with flour and leveled it. Whoever can displace the most flour wins.
The first boy crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settles, they see the pan has only half the flour as it did to begin with.
"I can do better than that." Said the second boy. They refilled the pan and leveled the top.
The second boy crouches over the pan and lets a mighty one go. Only one-quarter of the flour remains.
The neighbor girl who has been watching curiously walks over and asks what the boys are doing. They explain their friendly game and to their surprise, she says, "That's nothing. I can do better than either of you two."
Well, the two boys fill the pan with flour and level it. Certainly this girl has nothing to bring to the table.
She crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settled, there wasn't a single bit left in the pan.
The boys are taken aback! The first one asks, "how in the world were you able to beat us at our own game?"
The second boy lifts up the girls skirt to take a peek and yells, "Just what I thought! Double barrels!!"