Sex Jokes - Private Parts

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"

Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad? They chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"

Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

Q: Why did the dick go to the 7-11?

A: To get a slurpee.

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit. The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice. The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too. The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him. "What's this ?" he asks. The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ?? The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

Q: What's the dumbest part of a man's body?

A: His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick. Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being, however, the guys didn't care. They knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "Mmmm! A buffet!"