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The best jokes and joke writers!

I'm a Professional

I won't laugh, said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 15 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay, then," Said Randy, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a laugh, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as best she could. "I'm very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"Its swollen," Randy replied.

She ran out of the room.

How Many

Q: How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time?

A: It depends on how many brothers she has.

Fred Dingaling

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

Midget Soccer

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?

A: Because the grass tickles their balls!

The Ongoing Note

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife: THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD. THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN, PUT THE CANVAS AWAY. THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE, NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read: THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP, AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD. SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied: I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S THE BEST IN THE LAND. BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!!