Calling in Sick
Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you've got a nice house!"
Lite Beer & Canoes
Q: How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe?
A: They're both fucking close to water!
The Three Nuns and the Father
Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replies. The third nun faints.
Sex in a Marriage
There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.
The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!
Redneck Sex Lesson
Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day. "You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sex. Junior, get out here!" Junior runs out. "Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sex." "Sex," says Junior. "What's sex?" "Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma." So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma? Watch this." Pa starts doing it right there on the porch. A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on. "Ma and Pa are teaching me about sex." "Sex? What's sex?" "See that hole in Pa? Watch this!"