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The best jokes and joke writers!

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. "Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man. "I'm going to Las Vegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! The man said, "Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. "Where the heck are you going?", said the wife. The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

More Tail

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"

Air and Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Making Love in the Dark

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

Final Answer

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."