Identifying Famous Quotes

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill!" "Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home early." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but - " Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy!" "Very good," said the teacher, "You may go also." Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Surprise!

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, its fathers turn to do the job." Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, "Aw, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"

College Burger Joint Conversations Nationwide

M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries."
Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today." "Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith." "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?" "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend." "Bummer. Have some fries."
Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend." "Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend." "Have some beer."
Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League." "Here, drink the fry grease."