A Muslim family was considering putting their grandfather Mohammed in a nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Christian home. After a few weeks in the Christian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson" It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa. We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Mohammed said with a big smile." There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor. There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me. I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me The Fucking Muslim.
Muslim in Heaven
He is about to climb up the white clouded stairs and stops in front of a golden gate. There is a bearded man waiting for him. The Muslim asks: "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up." The Muslim is very happy to hear that Mohammed is more important than Saint Peter and is higher up. He climbs another flight of stairs. Tired, he stops in front of another large gate. He finds a young man with curly blond hairs and asks, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm Michael, Mohammed is higher up." The Muslim is in ecstasy learning that Mohammed is more important than angels. He climbs an even longer flight of stairs. Exhausted, he reaches another gate, even bigger. He's met by a bearded man and asks him, "Are you Mohammed?" "No. I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up." The Muslim is ecstatic and explodes with happiness learning that Mohammed is even more important than Jesus and that his religion is indeed the best of them all. He cannot wait to meet Mohammed. He quickly climbs further up. Panting, breathless, exhausted, he arrives at a huge white gate. Waiting for him is very old man with a long white beard. The Muslim asks with the little breath he has left, "Are you Mohammed?" "No. I'm God, but I see you're tired, come in, sit down, rest for a moment. Do you want some water, a coffee perhaps? And the Muslim says, "Yes, a coffee ... I would be very grateful." So God turns around, raises his hand, whistles, and says, "Mohammed, two coffees."
Radical Muslim in a Bar
A radical Muslim cleric walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"
Q: Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?
A: 'Cause they hate the French press.
Salman Rushdie's Sequels
Q: Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"?
A: 1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard, 2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter.