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The best jokes and joke writers!

Real V Fake

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Hitler's Final Day

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Jews In China?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." The waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. "When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

Changing Schools

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

Polack Detective

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than asking the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation, "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. The Italian replied, "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man and he left. When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked, "How did The interview go?" Smiling, he replied, "Great! I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"