Trapped On A Rock
There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat. The man on the boat asks 'do you want any help?' Man on the rock replies 'no, the Lord will save me' so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him 'do you want any help?' The man replied 'no the Lord will save me!' Then along comes another man on a boat and asks 'do you want any help?' and he said 'no, the Lord will save me'. By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter 'why didn't the Lord save me????' St.Peter said' he sent you 2 boats and a helicopter, what more do you want!?'
Jesus & Joseph
St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. "Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. "Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter". Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes". "Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?! The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"
Golf Courses in Heaven
A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
Jonah and the Whale.
A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" "Of course I do. It is the Bible.", the lady replies. "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?", he asked. "Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied. "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?", he asked. "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady. "What if he isn't in heaven?", the man asked sarcastically. "Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!
Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."