OJ's Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan!"

New Yorkers Arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."  St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."

Spelling Test into Heaven

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.'' The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.'' The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!'' The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven. Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.'' The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.'' The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.'' She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven. The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''Okay honey, let me in to heaven.'' The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.'' She says, ''Okay, make it an easy one!'' Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''