Golfer's Explanation to God
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a god damn two inch putt!"
Lord, Forgive Me
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Chance to be Healed
A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true. God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?" The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear. God then touched the blind man and he was able to see. The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted. The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"
An Email From God!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, he thought for a moment and said "Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good." God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?... Oh! You didn't get one either huh?
God Sues Satan
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Written By: manueljoker