The Pearly Gates Computer
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does. Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food." The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit." Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes." A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it. A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
Black Friday Line Talk
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are waiting to check-out in a long Black Friday line and begin bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team." "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
The Spiritual Leader
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Youngman, you're much too young to smoke!" The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!" The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to me?' No, no, no, kid, Fuck You!"
One day a little old nun was driving 35 miles an hour down the highway. A cop pulls her over because she was so slow and asked her why she wasn't going faster. She points at a sign by the side of the road that said highway 35 on it, saying she thought that was the speed limit. The cop laughs and tells her that it was highway number 35.
Then looking in the back seat, the cop notices two nuns looking very frightened. He asks them what was wrong and they said, "We just got off highway 130!"
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, "But where is your husband?"
"Jim?" the haggard woman said. "Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!"