Religion Jokes - Catholic Jokes

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider. "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow,  "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly." "Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind!  Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, so he called her down, gave her two dollars and told her to buy a razor.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand. "The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that. "The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head. "The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope headbutts her.

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square on Easter Sunday. A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!" A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien. "Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"