Let's Talk Business

Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the ocean. They came up gasping and sputtering and saw the ship sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately treading water. "Hymie!" he called out, "Hymie, can you float alone?" "Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time to talk business!"

On Marriage

1. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
3. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
5. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
6. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
7. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
8. Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
9. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."  The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
10. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
11. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
12. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
13. God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like her to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Missing Goose

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...