Why David Killed Goliath

Q: Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him?
A: He wanted to get a-head!

The Young Preacher on Adultery

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"

Deep Sea Fishing

A fishing crew is out in the deep sea. They've been fishing there every day for three months, but they never catch anything. Desperate and all out of ideas, the captain decides to ask God to help him. "God," he shouts to the heavens, "Every day my men cast their nets, and every day they bring them back empty. All our careers are on the line, Lord. Please, let us catch some fish, and I promise to give up swearing."
Nothing happens, so he decides to continue praying.
"I will also stop lying! I will stop cheating on my wife! I will stop gambling! Lord, please let us catch some fish! That is all I ask!"
Nothing happens again, so he decides to pray some more.
"Lord, I will never sin again! I will give food to the hungry! I will give money to the poor! I will go to church every Sunday! I will not touch alcohol, Lord! I will not smoke! I will become a priest! I will make sure all my men become priests! Let us catch just one fish, Lord, and-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the boat began to rock. Thousands of fish were teeming below the water's surface, filling the nets to bursting point. The crew cast their nets into the sea, and each time they came back overflowing with fish. Soon, they had enough to feed their whole town ten times over.
The captain glanced to heaven again and said, "Never mind, we found some."