Woman With a Black Eye

A woman went to the bar with a black eye. "How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town?" he asked. "So did I!" she said.

Retirement

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

Penny Thoughts

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?"
To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"