Male Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.  He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.

The Big Scare

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."

The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.  Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"  Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"  Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along.
Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."  Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.  Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"  Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!  
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"