Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
A: So he could see her crack!
Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:
Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”
Still in Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"
A Kid's View on Marriage
A Kid's View on Marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
- "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" - Eric, six years old
- "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?
- "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kelly, nine years old
- "My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
- "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
- "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
- "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." - Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
- "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, ten years old
- "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
- "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." - Allan, ten years old
- "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
- "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" - Kirsten, ten years old
- "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" - Anita, nine years old
- "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, seven years old
Made for Each Other
A friend of mine had told me he signed up with one of these on-line dating services. So, I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!