A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass." The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"
The Doll Secretary
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains,
"Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her down on the couch."
Earn it Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
A Change Of Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the priest a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the priest looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
Then, he leaned toward the priest and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The priest put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "Your wife made me a much better offer."
Me Fix It?
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So, he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"