Quickie

You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.

Divorce Barbie

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when he notices he knows nothing about Barbie and there aren't even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie dolls to the checkout. "Hi, how may I help you?" says the checkout guy. Tim replies, "I have three Barbies and I need to know what they are and how much they cost." The checkout guys says, "Well, the first one is Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is Divorce Barbie and she is $250." "What!!? Tim shouts. Are you kidding me?!! Why is Divorce Barbie so much?" The checkout guy explains, "Well, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and everything else Ken owns!!"

Ultimatum

My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group on the Internet, she’s going to leave me.  I’m really going to miss her.