Boyfriend Buying Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Bra Shopping

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra. She said, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice and feels good."
I looked her in the eye and said, "I did."

Two-story house

Two-story house:
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'