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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?"

Redneck Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Love,

Mom

Accident

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

Buckwheat 'n Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?  "Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb.".  The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."  She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'.  "Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."  The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."  Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'."  Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."  The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."  "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

Redneck Census Form!

The official year 2014 Redneck Census Form:

Last name:_______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess) Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)Preacher

Spouse'sName:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover'sName:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)BrownishYellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?