Life Changes

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the National Rifle Assoc. sticker off my front window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel.
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down.  If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn...Safe at last

Only In America

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Robot Bar

Cecil goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!  The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.     
Cecil leaves, but he's curious, so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" 
Cecil says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"Cecil says, "100."  The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.
Cecil leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.   He goes back into the bar.   The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, do you people really think we should have open boarders?