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The best jokes and joke writers!

Who's Your Daddy

Dan and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Joe didn't show up. Dan didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Joe hadn't shown up for a week or so, Dan really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dan didn't know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Dan figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dan approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Joe! Dan was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?" Joe replied, "I've been in jail." "Jail!, cried Dan.  What in the world for?"

"Well", Joe said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah, said Dan, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."

"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Senior Positions

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

Old Men

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

The Witch

Two old guys, 80 years old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores. The woman said, "They're old, what are they gonna know?" So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls. After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2, "How was your whore?" #2 said, "She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?" Old guy #1 goes, "She was a witch." #2 responds, "What do you mean a witch?" #1 says, "I bit her tit and she flew out the window!"

Old Feller in for a Checkup

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.

After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died?"

"did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"my Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"did I say he was dead?"

"no! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"did I say he wanted to get married?..."