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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Missing Toupee!

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

Old Man And His Condom

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said  "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway". The old man continued to put on his condom; he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."

Face Lift

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," replies the clerk.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man decided why not and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Senior Positions

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

You Know You're Getting Older When

You Know You're Getting Older When...

  • Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
  • The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
  • You get winded playing chess.
  • Your children begin to look middle aged.
  • You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
  • A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
  • You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
  • After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
  • Dialing long distance wears you out.
  • You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
  • You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
  • You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
  • Your back goes out more often than you do.
  • Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
  • The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.