Cinderella and Alan
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.' At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stood before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'
Old Man's Miracle
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him.
Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all. Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!"
"I doubt it," he said sadly, "I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me."
"Young man, witches can do anything," she said. "I'm going to perform a witch miracle. "She said, "ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!"
He looked at her in disbelief, "Is this all true?" he asked.
"Of course," she said, "But to keep it true you must do one thing."
"Anything!" he said, "Anything!"
"You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me."
He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night.
In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, "Sonny, how old are you?"
"I'm thirty-two," he said.
"Tell me something, then," she said. "Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?"
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop. An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home. On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass."
She says "What???!!!" But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke, and he says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!"
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!"