Taking Care of Business
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Catching the Shoplifter
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
Old Lady's House Ransacked
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied, "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."
Jesus Gonna Get You
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."