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A Redneck Oil Change

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

  1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
  12. Clean up.
  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
  16. Beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  29. Begin cussing fit.
  30. Throw wrench. Cuss and complain.
  31. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  32. Beer.
  33. Beer.
  34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  35. Beer.
  36. Lower car from jack stands
  37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
  38. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  39. Test drive car.
  40. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
  41. Car gets impounded.
  42. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337

Female Desire

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

Military Expenses

  • Starting monthly salary for US Marine... $984.60
  • One Bradley Fighting Vehicle... $3.16 million
  • Humanitarian aid for Iraq... $20 billion
  • Kickin' back with the boys in Saddam's Palace... priceless

Frog Bucks

Q: Where do frogs keep their money?

A: In a river bank!

Questions for God

One night when a boy prayed to God, the boy asked god:

How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies: 1 second.

The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?

God replies: 1 penny.

Then the boy asked God if he could have a penny.

God replies...sure, "gimme 1 second".