A Redneck Oil Change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
- Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up.
- Have another beer while oil is draining.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
- Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
- Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floor board in reaction.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench. Cuss and complain.
- Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
- Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
- Starting monthly salary for US Marine... $984.60
- One Bradley Fighting Vehicle... $3.16 million
- Humanitarian aid for Iraq... $20 billion
- Kickin' back with the boys in Saddam's Palace... priceless
Q: Where do frogs keep their money?
A: In a river bank!
Questions for God
One night when a boy prayed to God, the boy asked god:
How Long is 1 million years to you?
God replies: 1 second.
The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?
God replies: 1 penny.
Then the boy asked God if he could have a penny.
God replies...sure, "gimme 1 second".