Military Jokes - Others

World War III:

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "YES". The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "YES WHAT?" Instantly the computer responded  "YES SIR!"

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA would finally read it.

Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

Katz's Law:  Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):  When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law:  Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto:  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law:  All general statements are false.

Knight's Law:  Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation:  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction:  There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law:  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy:  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law:  In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:  You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary:  Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting:  Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law:  Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law:  The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law:  The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law:  The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law:  The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law:  Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law:  If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law:  The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law:  If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law:  The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law:  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo:  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:  People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote:  Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate:  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law:  In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized):  The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law:  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law:  People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw:  For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law:  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement:  The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law:  There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law:  All things being equal, you lose.