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The best jokes and joke writers!

3 Sick Soldiers

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?"  

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"  

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

New Recruit

Ten recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey Johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir," Johnson answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the drill instructor again.

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"And that hair- don't they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"So why didn't you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make your demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".

Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator: Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

Show up stoned and do anything at all.

When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

Better Training

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "

Jumping

A soldier comes home on leave and tells his wife about his parachute training. “It was terrible,” he says. “I was in the plane and ready to jump, when I froze. I couldn’t move. The Seargent came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he’d stick it up my ass if I didn’t jump.” “Oh my God,” says his wife. “So did you jump?” “Well, yes,” says the soldier. “A little bit – at first.”