Military Jokes

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?"  

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"  

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

Ten recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey Johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir," Johnson answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the drill instructor again.

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"And that hair- don't they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"So why didn't you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "