Military Jokes

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself." The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune, “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!” The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. After a minute of silence, the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than one hundred of you ISIS scumbags!” Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gun fight breaks out. After 10 minutes of battle, there is again silence, until the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.” The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s not just one marine over there….there’s two.”

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."