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The best jokes and joke writers!

Biology Lab Samples

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope. But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were. "Those are sperm cells."

Oxygen is Essential

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

Cloning the Scientist

A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!" The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists," Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!" Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..." 

Send in the Clowns Biology

To the tune of "Send in the Clowns"

So this is it, A few bases to go, I've tried and I've tried but the techniques's so slow. I've poured my gels, I've run quite a few. Full of bubbles, they leaked and why I never knew. But where are the clones? I've got to have clones, The end is so near. Is my broth rich? Does it look clear? Contamination is something I always fear. Are my plaques blue? They shouldnt be, No DNA left I'm down on my knees, So give me some clones? I've got to have clones, The end is so near. I've had bad preps, There've been quite a few, Ive tried all brands of PEG, fresh buffers, but nothing would do. And though they say, Solutions will keep, In my hands they last no more than a week. So send me some clones? I've got to have clones, The end is so near. I've read my gels, My eyes are quite sore, There's still sequence missing, of this I am sure. But there it is!! Finally done. I've conquered this fragment and now I have won. Whats's this I hear? A voice from the door. My supervisor wants 10kb more! So give me some clones, I've got to have clones, Or I'll be here all year! 

A Mad Scientist Christmas

A Mad Scientist Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house, Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse. The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed, The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose. The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, I still need to locate my husband's clean socks... But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know; My buggies still need that much more time to grow. When from the kitchen came a massive explosion, I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion. Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants, Struggling into them a sick sort of dance. With fury and haste I put on a shirt, Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt. Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask, I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask. I nearly passed out when the man who I saw, dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw, Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight, I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight. Through the mike from his suit he said without pause, "Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I'm Hanta Claus!" Over his shoulder he hefted the sack, We walked into the living room, I offered a snack. He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench, Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench. Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee, "Did you bring all of these germies for me?" "Oh yes," said Hanta, "I must show propriety; By bringing you microbes, I'm saving society. "You are the only one who loves these diseases. Therefore I'm glad to oblige who it pleases." Delirious with excitement I sat by his side While he gave me a year's stock of microscope slides, And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria, Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria. The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit, The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit, Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes, Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes! Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis, Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis! But that was not all, he had parasites too, Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true! Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas. How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please! At long last he said he must now go away, His sled was experiencing radioactive decay. "Thanks for the presents," I said, shaking his hand, "They'll keep me off the streets, you understand." Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight, Shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!"