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The best jokes and joke writers!

Respect For The Dead

I believe in respect for the dead, in fact I could only respect you if you were dead.

What Will the Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"  "Probably that I married you for your money."

Men Are Like...

  • Men are like laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
  • Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
  • Men are like vacations. They never seem long enough.
  • Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
  • Men are like weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
  • Men are like blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
  • Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
  • Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
  • Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
  • Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
  • Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
  • Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
  • Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
  • Men are like lawn mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.
  • Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  • Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  • Men are like snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Did You Understand?

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people. When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

Insult Collection 02

  • If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
  • You'd make a lovely corpse!
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
  • Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
  • Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
  • You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
  • Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
  • You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
  • I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
  • I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
  • If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
  • What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
  • When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
  • I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
  • You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
  • Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
  • Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
  • I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
  • If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
  • There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
  • Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
  • You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.