Happy Birthday

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His lover lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his lover lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Peanuts

A boy visits his Grandma who is aging gracefully in her own home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down with his phone while munching on peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.  Eventually, his Grandma wakes up, and her Grandson realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, Mema Chocolate, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"  "That's okay, dearie," the Grandma replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Body Cast

A man is in a hospital bed completely wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move, I'll be right back." When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" "I hiccupped."