High Stakes

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.'' As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?" She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?" She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this put right here?" She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night." The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a back-swing and.... "Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."

Tesla Upgrade

My sales manager pulled up in a new Tesla Model S today and I complimented him on it. 
He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can trade up to a Model D next year."

Fire Engines Red

Q: Why are fire engines red?
A: You'd be red too if somebody picked up your hose and dragged it across the street!