Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 

2. I don't suffer from insanity;  I enjoy every minute of it. 

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe 

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing 

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 

12. God must love stupid people;  He made so many. 

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 

18. Procrastinate Now! 

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;  Do You Want Fries With That? 

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 
   
26. Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 

28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Cold Eskimos Kayaking

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Good News

First the doctor told me the good news, I was going to have a disease named after me.