Hurry

" Alcohol kills slowly " So what? Who's in a hurry?

Filing An Appeal

The lawyer had come to the State Prison to visit his client, who had recently been sentenced by the court to life imprisonment for a particularly hideous crime. He was seated in the visiting room across the table from his prisoner-client, explaining the various legal procedures he had followed. " I have filed an appeal in the lower court, and that was denied," he explained. "Then I filed an appeal in the State Supreme Court. That was denied. Next, I filed an appeal in the Federal District Court, which was denied. And as a last resort, last week I filed an appeal with the United States Supreme Court-and that has been denied." " But there must be something else we can file!" exclaimed the frantic prisoner. "There is only one more thing," confined the attorney. He cautiously took an iron rod out of his briefcase and slipped it to the prisoner. "The only thing left to file," he said, "are the bars of your cell!"

High Stakes

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.'' As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?" She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?" She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this put right here?" She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night." The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a back-swing and.... "Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."