Hilarious Signs

• Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
• On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
• On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
• Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
• Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
• On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
• At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

George Carlin: I'm a BAD American

George Carlin Speaks Out...
I am your worst nightmare. I am a BAD American.  I am George Carlin.  I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.  I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.  I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.  I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.  I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.  I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.  I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.  I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.  I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. 
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.  I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.  I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.  I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.  My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.I don't hate the rich.  I don't pity the poor.  I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.  I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?  I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.  I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.  I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.  I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.  I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.  I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.  I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.  If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.  If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.  We need our country back!

Bill The Duck

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick." The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill." The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, "Give me a box of condoms." The clerk says, "Do you want me to also put them on your bill?" The duck says, "Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!"