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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs and Notices 05

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
  • In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
  • In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
  • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
  • On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
  • On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
  • On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
  • In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Cafeteria Sign

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Push

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ...Push!"

Real Business Signs

  • On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
  • In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
  • On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
  • At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
  • On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
  • In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
  • On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
  • On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
  • At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
  • On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
  • At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
  • Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
  • At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
  • In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
  • On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
  • In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
  • At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
  • In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
  • On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
  • In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
  • In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
  • On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
  • In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Hilarious Signs

  • Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  • On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
  • On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
  • Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  • Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
  • In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
  • On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
  • At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."