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The best jokes and joke writers!

Real Business Signs

  • On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
  • In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
  • On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
  • At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
  • On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
  • In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
  • On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
  • On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
  • At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
  • On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
  • At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
  • Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
  • At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
  • In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
  • On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
  • In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
  • At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
  • In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
  • On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
  • In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
  • In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
  • On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
  • In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Hilarious Signs

  • Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  • On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
  • On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
  • Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  • Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
  • In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
  • On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
  • At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Signs and Notices 01

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

Signs and Notices Continued

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."

Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Signs and Notices 17

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
  • An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
  • Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
  • On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
  • A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
  • Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."